Tuesday, July 15, 2014
I could only watch the moon
staring at us
-from its lonely sky
I could only feel your breathing,
Your skin against mine
I could see ourselves together
I could borrow the moon's eyes
Just for some time
and see myself
where I want myself to be
Saturday, June 07, 2014
Had an awesome night last night. It's been a while since I submerged myself into the art scene. With 3 floors worth of paintings, photographs, minute coral like pieces, video installation and performance art, 1335Mabini is the place to be for some sighing reflections and self redemption.
Photo by Ali Aldaba
Friday, June 06, 2014
One thing I love about cine adarna, is that it's almost entirely empty on a hush hush weekday screenings. Its like watching in a cinema all by yourself.
This film brought me to a series of sensual reverie. Jean-jacques Annaud keeps the passion & eroticism in full force. It never fails to flash the big screen with artistic shots and little surprises if you are a keen observer. Plus, there's a smooth succession of scenes from one event to another. I am fully impressed.
moreover, jeanne moreau voice over has this magnitude of attending a poetry reading session that leads me wanting to read Marguerite Duras' novel which this film based from.
The ending brought me to tears and swelling lungs just like that moment when you are panting and trying to catch your breath after an orgasm.
It made my day for it seems to be a very long time since I had a good one.
It's something that I'm wanting to do so badly. Most of these kind of events are scheduled 2nd half of the day, which my work sched also falls. Since I'm on a preventive suspension due to an upcoming case in the office I have this chance of going out--- escaping from the stench of corporate world and reinstate myself to the universe that I once found myself revolving: under the acacia trees, having coffee and ice cream. being alone inside a movie house, jog while seeing the sun sets and immerse myself with the things I love doing.
Thursday, June 05, 2014
above all, please don't be weary, there is hope.
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
Friday, May 23, 2014
|photo by Chai Fonacier, during our fuck you world summit last december 2013|
I miss our late night talks
late night movies when we had your whole sala for ourselves
I miss us crying while Claudine is also crying over aga muhlach
The way u read my blog in the past and then comment on it
as if we’re not gonna see each other almost everyday
I miss ur texts saying: “padung na ko”
if all we know, naa pa ka sa kwarto, nanudlay ka pa sa imong buhok
I miss u
How I wish I can see u again this june, when im going back to cebu to attend mecca’s wedding
Before it was ur wedding with thomas
i can still remember it
‘twas in august
It’s for forever
Monday, May 19, 2014
missing you is like
plunging into a dark wine
nothing can be seen but
to feel the purity and rawness
of the intricacies of our endeavors
to a mud
creating thousands of caricatures
of our stories that were left behind
and never ending
the design of my mouth saying:
i must have you, you must have me
sealing it with
drunken with the time and space between
so let it seep in
let me sit
and talk with it
revel on things that makes me ponder
on the idea of forever
make love with the bottle that
rejects the limitation of it
and make a vow never to take
the entirety of emptiness
as space allows for reflections,
there is refinement.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
unlike Papa, you are very patient and understanding. quite emotional though, so i think namana na nako tanan sa imoha. you are the one who is quick to encourage and give her moral support. you're the one who always say:
"kaya ra na, padayon lang"
Thanks Ma for keeping ur faith in God and in our family. i know u always wish the best for me, and most of all thanks for making me ur única hija.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
|this is the isolated portion of the white beach, this is the spot where me and russ spent time star gazing last year, some called this the jurasic park, while allan call this: Bona Station.|
|with my mareh, allan, it's his first time to set foot in puerto galera.|
|with the usual crowd. although nothing beats a spot where u can have the whole beach by yourself.|
|..the girl from ipanema este puerto galera|
|tristeza, the big sadness the heart feels, let it leave mine forever..|
|na anne curtis ako, di talaga biro maging dyesebel!|
every year here in puerto galera is memorable if it's not remarkable. there's just too much details to tell as everyday in this dedonistic beach has its own revelation. every year, different happenings, different stories. and here's my latest memorabilia: stings from box jellyfish. aguy!
Friday, April 11, 2014
one of the recurring childhood mannerism i still got is that every time i see a pool of water, i usually extend my arms and see my hands seemingly touching the sky. i always love finding myself doing it, even if it's on a murky pond left after a rain on one of the street potholes, it's giving me this natural high brought by the surreality of touching the sky or the clouds floating by.
recently, i've seen a different kind of sky.
i really thought that the whole Macau was claimed to be the "city of dreams", but it was only portion of it specifically the Cotai strip
of which we are able to drop by on one of the known spots: the Venetian hotel. im not dreaming of visiting Venice, i even have a hard time pronouncing it if it is veneez or venes? but few of the things that interest me is the idea that it's a sinking city and the advents of the gondolas.
in the venetian hotel, i was impressed with how they mimic some of the streets in Venice, the grand canals and pulling it off with a gondola and the singing gondolier. it's just funny as most tourist and even us make a wishing well out of the great canal as the water is so clear as oppose to (based on my readings) the smelly greenish colour straight from the lagoon or sewers. but one thing that mesmerized me is the painted sky as it so huge and can only imagine the efforts of completing such a gigantic task in the name of "business". i'm not so sure if i can still consider it as an art as it targets tourist and tourists would go there to shop, dine, stay and gamble. i dunno if some would go there to reflect and attain a higher level of experience with the structures. but most of us visitors are there to spend. so the whole thing (interiors, architectures, etc) boils down to one thing: profit.
erasing that reality and try to romanticize with the thought of a "dreamy" and "fancy" sojourn, we just walk under this sky on a painted ceiling, hopping from casino to smoke, then inside the mall to have coffee and towards their restaurants to eat. erasing the notion that every leap is equal to possible spending, my adult self keeps on calculating the profits and how much would i earn if i applied here. again erase erase erase. i'm here as a tourist and should be childlike to think that the clouds above are kinda moving and can actually be reached.
then again, who am i fooling?
|Billboard in Central Hong Kong. Giving me a glimpse of how hot locals can be.|
it might be because i'm not aware of the places where gay people usually hang out as it seems that to all places i went to in hk, gay scene is not that rampant. i haven't seen any gay or lesbian couple holding hands or smooching somewhere anywhere. i went to the time square, chai wan, to victoria park, peking road, mtr stations but none (unlike in manila specially in cubao or in malate)
but once, i spotted a couple---two giddy strangers who just had their first meeting on a hidden bench under the canal road flyover. other than that, i could only pass by cute guys looking at me and once i glimpse back with that marina abramovic‘s the artist is present stare, they sort of mutter something under their breath like: "sorry Buddha"
although having a date is not a priority but it doesn't hurt to be excited who i can possibly meet around the city. A spur of the moment big time sensuality! A hope to experience a happy version of Wong Kar-wai’s “happy together”! curious who are the queer people around, I logged into a gay social site and i got instant invites, but to my surprise the gay folks around are actually not locals but Caucasians who are here for a business trip and tourist from other countries. among the bombarding msges i got this top 3 potentials:
*since im in the land of Chinese empire, i want to meet a local, and here's this cute part chinese part british guy who's inviting me for a drink in a bar inside hyatt hotel, which is too far from our hotel and his msges and presence on that dating site is intermittent, and i cannot afford lounging in that bar and waste my money for a whiskey on a rock let alone looking stupid for waiting for someone who won’t pop up. so i have to crush him down on my list,
*there's this filipino guy whose pictures online is so hot. but my idea is to meet him on a date. never i knew he's actually too loud in person. i mean i love loud persons as most of my friends are, but he's too way over the top. although he's sweet as brought some mrs fields cup cake and gong cha milk tea, i manage to let him in and talk (which is too much, so full of himself.. ahaha), but i have to send him out afterwards.
*then there's this caucasian guy (among many others) who is finally my type. tall, young and able. he even wish to make love and have 3 rounds of sex. like what?! i was even swooning with the idea that i'll be like Coco---the character in Wei Hui's Shanghai Baby who end up having an affair with a german expat. but too bad, as our sched didn't meet. his trip going to hk is the same day that im leaving to macau. then the moment i have to go back to hong kong, he's on a business meeting and the moment he's done with it, that's the time i'm leaving back to the Philippines.
sighers. surmise to say that this trip is more of a spiritual journey than physical. to think this county is a metropolitan. my luck on this might turn around when i go to more spiritual places such as cambodia or thailand. hmmn, it's giving me an idea where to book next. Hmpf!
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Wednesday, April 09, 2014
i first saw this coffee shop while inside a shuttle from the Macau pier on our way to the hotel. it is one of those spot, let say in a movie or on a page of a magazine? that you caught yourself muttering something under your breath like "i'm gonna be there!".
it's relatively small yet quiant compared to coffee shops that i passed by in hk. one thing that attracts me to this place is that it has this notion of it's the only coffee shop in town yet the locals are not crazy about this place at all. it makes me imagine of a lost cabin in the woods and i'm the only person who can actually see it. The moment i get in, it seems that the shop was opened just for myself, the whole place was almost entirely abandoned other than the cashier (who also brew the coffee and serve the pastries) and maybe some cats or rats hiding somewhere, taking the afternoon nap.
this is where i was completely at tuned with myself. it is my 3rd day of "being abroad" and it's my first time to let off some steam from all the chaos, lost in translation, money changers and all those uncertainties from unknown territories. i think it's a misnomer that if you're on a vacation to a foreign place, it's nothing but bed of roses. well, hell no! it wasn't the case.
i can only visualize all the obstacles, challenges and havocs of this trip as sugar cubes melting into the coffee, together with the bitter sweet memories of the past, i sip it all in.
finally, after seemingly a very long long time, i was able to breathe.
instead of throwing a party, with all the tasks of preparing food and drinks and entertaining guests for my 29th birthday, here i am, having a simple day inside a small coffee shop. having coffee, nibbling on a portuguese egg tart and rereading a murakami.
Tuesday, April 08, 2014
|chilling out inside out. as temp outside is at 17 deg celsius. and i thought it's already summer!|
here i'm all alone in our hotel. Allan is with his family and they are in Disneyland. for some reasons, i rather roam around HK than get stuck in that amusement park, an indicator that i'm too old and too jaded to meet a man or a woman inside micky mouse mascot, let alone shake hands or hug goofy. like duh..
so instead i hop out from central hk to kowloon via star ferry and went into figuring out "how to get here how to get there" mission using this hotel provided map. it's an adventure of its own, being puzzled and exploring the place around you. it is definitely exhilirating when i'm able to see and being "i'm here!" in the places i've previously seen in google or in the lonely planet guide.
|i fiil beri smor.|
|at the heritage|
|we also have pegasus in quezon city, but it's completely a different place!|
|last sunset before my 29th bday at the Kowloon Pier|
It started with resigning myself to the idea of spending my birthday in front of a computer, in a small cubicle, inside the office. I was thinking I will take my leave on 8th so I could welcome the eve of my birthday then work on the very same date. Since it’s a legal holiday here in the Philippines, I could earn double pay. I mean it’s just another birthday so no big deal. But the notion of giving up my annual tradition of spending my birthday to an alien place is still scratching on me.
Roughly 1 week from my birthday I got a call from one of my close friends who drops a huge bomb, which eventually shattered all my plans on how I will be spending my day and the whole week of my bday.
As he simply said: “let’s go to hong kong!”
If only I’m 10 years younger, I would simply quips “Go!”
As my usual character is that I usually don’t think and just go with the flow
Moving forward, I’m still treading on the rim of spontaneity but now leaning towards critical thinking.
He said he will be going to hong kong and macau with his family and there’s an extra accommodation for their 1 week stay.
So series of thoughts went into my mind:
* I could save for hotel accommodation
* this is a long overdue trip going abroad, although I want my first time to be in Cambodia but ..
* it will be my first stamp on my passport which is already 3 years old from the date I got it from DFA (we had this joke about passports not getting stamped)
*Bjork had her Volta tour in HK 6 years ago, so that’s the closest thing I could be near her footprints.
* the trip is from April 7 to 11, that’s 5 days of abscences from work and that merit a memo from the manager
* I’m planning to use my earnings to buy the sony Z2 tablet to replace my hp 2140 netbook which I gave to my younger brother
*but hey, to hell with gadgets..
With all those pros and cons one thing that will prove that it’s really mine to take (a bet with the universe) is: if the airfare is below 10k for a back and forth ticket.
Lo and behold, I checked PAL and they got this USD199 promo to HK almost 2k less from my envisioned airfare budget (which is a bargain compared to their usual roundtrip fare of USD350) i can imagine the angels, the saints and even the devils are actually jumping for joy!
Without second thought, I booked it online and got my itinerary receipt at PAL ticketing office in Cubao.
From the long queue and worse emigration kiosk of NAI2 to mind boggling HK international airport everything seems to be a blur. I know it’s not a big deal for almost everybody, but there’s always a certain magic on “first time..”
Which could be at par with BB’s never ending question: “when as the last time you did something for the first time?”
Monday, April 07, 2014
|still, it won't dawn on me that after all the travels i made in the past, this time the cab went into a different terminal, from domestic to "international"|
|first glimpse of the foreign shores|
|Airport Express brings you from hk intl airport to Central within 28mins! but it would cost you HKD180.00 for a two way ride|
sorry naman, naninibago lang po
that was just the start of my journey. figuring out their train system (mtr) is one thing. if Manila's MRT is physically exhausting, HK's MTR is psychologically challenging--- specially when you're all alone, without a travel guide without proper briefing. i think this is beyond getting lost in translation. oh well, let this one hell of rollercoaster ride begin. go!
Saturday, March 15, 2014
|children at patar beach, bolinao with Alan Ayuste Ramos and Mimar Castillo|
just right after the summer of my last elementary years, i become one of the assistant catechists in our local "kapilya", in commemoration of Flores de Mayo, this is the time when we sort of teach and learn the doings of Jesus and pray the rosary. i love hearing and singing the "ave maria". well it's way back when i'm still a devout christian and a huge fan of mama Mary.
but years after that, i still find myself attached to children other than teenagers of my age. it's not pedophilia mind you, since i just find it amusing to tell stories and do creative acting that can stir their imaginations. just like telling them stories about our seaside village myths, lost spirits and crawling amputated hands which they thought to be sand crabs during the moonless night.
that leads me to become an art teacher in BRIGHT academy for more than 3 years and even had a stint on art lessons and art workshop with the children of workers from Primary Structures Corp. For me, working and interacting with children is less toxic, since most of them don't have any inhibitions and their heart is still pure from the harsh reality of life itself. And i must tell you how rewarding is being a teacher, seeing them drawing or painting their first sun or first star with you.
although i'm not imposing this--- might because at my age and if i were a biologically created as a woman, i should be giving birth, so this preconceived maternal instincts are telling me that we adults are more or less responsible on how these children think and understand the world, so please.. take good care of the children, as the late Whitney believes they are our future.
Saturday, March 01, 2014
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
Sunday, February 02, 2014
one of the best revenge movies i've seen in all time is Kill Bill (part 1 and 2) and the the second is still with the same director: quentin tarantino’s inglourious basterds
one of the most notable scene i could consider is how Shosanna Dreyfus gasped for breath after talking with SD Standartenführer Hans "The Jew Hunter" Landa, the person who's responsible for her family's massacre.
i got that same feeling when after several years of living life in tranquillity, was now come face to face with the girl who once accused me of stealing her money. the girl who one time killed my innocence. that night, while on top of the mt. malasimbo i want to come up with a plan of her: rolling off the cliff to her death and it would appears as an accident. but of course i have to brush it off as i'm not that evil yet.
i have this college crush (2nd from my primary crush) who one time shared a story about his childhood years. he said that on his elementary years he was accused of stealing a toy or a gadget by his classmate and that caused him so much anxiety and imagine that fresh innocence from a young boy emerged in such false accusation.
that scenario unfortunately also happened to me. there was this girl who accused me of stealing money from her while im giving her a massage. for me giving someone a massage is therapeutic as making someone's body as an outlet keeps my tensions away, i got that habit when i entered a theatre org and somehow it can lessen my stage fright while i'm waiting for my turn. so i'm actually known by my org mates who can massage very well. but never a thief.
although it's nothing to be proud of but i can declare that my parents didn't spend a single centavo in my college education. i made my way to UP Cebu with less support from my parents as i have younger siblings to be taken care of and i managed be on a tuition "free" education. plus i have scholarships from Japan Helping Activities which give me school allowance every month and some stipend from our school itself as i'm one of those considered to be financially challenged. my allowance is enough for me and i'm not envious with other classmates who shouldn't even be allowed to be in UP at that time as they are too rich to be subsidized by the government. and this girl, who said she got an iphone? (which is a very expensive and "social phone" during our era) sold it to someone as she planned to upgrade for a new phone and that money was gone.
i can't blame her "katangahan" when she lost it that day i massaged her, it might be a bad karma for her why she lost her money in the first place but why blame others for the lost of it? is she afraid that her mom would know about how she sold her phone and lost all the money and then she has to find someone to be accused of so she won't receive the possible beating? and for hundreds of possible suspects on that day, i am the one whom she suspected.
even at my teenage years, im quite independent and able to find part time jobs. i could jot down these series of working experience on my resume:
*an art teacher Bright Academy
*summer art workshop facilitator (PSC)
*luna art gallery staff
*BDO children saver's club promodizer
*choreographer (san carlos, marie ernistine)
*fashion accessories designer
i can't remember how much was the amount she lost but she can't imagine the cost of my lost innocence the moment she spread the rumour in our school. And one time she had the guts to blackmail me by asking me to lend her a couple of thousand pesos as she needs to gather enough money for her lost money and buy the upgraded phone. i don't know why i'm so soft hearted but i lend her 2000 pesos in good faith and also to help her even if she accused me. that money fresh from a choreography job at mary ernistine for their school end program with Chai she use it as an evidence that i took her lost money. like wtf?!
more of karma and a curse, retracted
up until now, that girl owes me 2 grand and if only i can bring back the time, i would like to sue her for false accusation, unpaid "utang" and morale damages.and if karma is a bitch, she better brace herself for unparralled misfortunes as , just like what my college crush had experienced in his elementary years, this has done irreconcilable devastating effects (if not my image, since im strong enough to protect it) on my reputation.
i'm just lucky at that time that i have my bf who supported me emotionally, sunshine's dad for legal advise, my grandma and my family who believes in me. i actually cursed her one time (an agreement with the devil to put misery on her in exchange for few remaining days of my life) but i think i better retract it as Karma has its own way of working things out.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
that still linger when i see your face
in my mind
a labyrinthal landscape
Swirling into the bushes
with no escape
that endless bliss
Eyes, dilated, in rapture
of blood racing through my veins
into the chambers of my heart;
radiating to each corner of our embrace.
mouths half open
searing teeth that make love to my skin
---rubbing bodies melting into a pond
Breathing to each others breathe
In murmurs and moans
a chant of bygone tribes which dances
with the moon
welcoming, anticipating the coming of rain
that drench this parched land
that we are living in
--devoid of laughter
--devoid of dreams
a celabratory hymn
until we sweat amidst the cold
stroking each other to sleep
my fingers keep on tracing
the buried feelings
recounting the heat
that you bore
into my core
only to find my nails
filled with dirt
filled with defeat
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Next thing I know, I'm too late & too sleepy for fitness. Now my eyebags are working out as well ☹
just as i thought i'm done watching all anime from studio ghibli, this film surprized me as it pops up the moment i typed in hayao miyazaki on watch32 mobile site. the top entries on their search engine are my favorites (well i think all of them are. from my neighbour totoro, kiki's delivery service, the borrower ariety and so on) then the moment i scrolled down, i found this film at the very bottom, and im glad it's viewable on my mobile as i need to kill some time as i'm waiting for the office gym to be vacant.
the environment and the emotional landscapes remind me of castle in the sky and kiki's delivery service combined. but the plot is quite different and somehow it gives me this certain jolt of warm elation upon realizing that being old is not that bad. i mean, i already had this bargaining with the universe that i would be contended and consider myself lucky to die at 50 as i really don't wanna be a senile old man and be somebody's pain in the ass. but Sofie's experience in this film somehow deviate on that notion, maybe because of the magic hayao miyazaki put her in--- without it, her life could be miserably dull and boring. but hey' all of us can still make magic! in one way or another!
well another hayao miyazaki film that sends me flying.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
my ideal would be every other day or at least 3 times a week, there are certain months that i can attain that but usually i could only hit the gym twice a week, maybe because i usually jog on weekends and i could consider that as an ultimate workout, not just for the body but also for my restless soul.
my ideal time for gym would be after shift, around 1am or 2am, by then i have the whole office gym for myself. while working out, i can burst out my frustrations, sometimes anger. lifting weights kinda not my thing but i have to for me to gain weight and bulk up my naturally wafer-thin figure. i can dance and sing out loud specially during warm showers. in a way, it's all about de-stressing.
meanwhile jogging around UP ikot make me reminisce and listen to Jam 88.3's "different Sunday"
but if i have the time and resources, i would like to enroll myself for a swimming club. and maybe tennis. and yeah.. pole dancing! then a combination of all working out discipline such as plana forma? but then again, i hate crowd. for me i would lose focus and cannot complete my self imposed routine. since the last quarter of last year, it's been shivering cold here in manila plus the recent holidays pushed me to a nomadic point of gluttony, like gehd! i can't stop myself from eating! like i want to stuff lohts of lohhts of chohclts ohn muhy fohs!
for now, i will stay fit while i'm able. i couldn't imagine myself waking up twice as much as my body.
Monday, January 13, 2014
was romanticizing again with my ever not so coherent love life, maybe i'm still enjoying being single and keep on saying to my friends that i'm still on my 20's and it's my prime time.
ironically, i just broke somebody's heart. or maybe a lot of "someones'"heart.. but hey, i've been hurt a lot of times too. so i consider that to be fair. i just can't force myself to be with someone whom i'm not so sure of. it's always been quality and not quantity, that's how my version of a boy who named Crow keeps on telling me.
i have a friend who used to be my club buddy who turns out to be one of my close friend in terms of club hopping, coffee and ehem, boy hunting. i know who are his crushes and who he fantasized. we got so close that we are getting comfortable sharing secrets. then suddenly, he was struck by cupid's arrow, i mean he fell in love- with this boy whom he just had sex with for a night. i keep on saying him that it could only be a one night stand for christ's sake and that's it! what he is feeling right now is just a temporary glitch! but he's persistent and make "ligaw".
he's very mad about this guy to the extend i have to support him to be with him in a club when i just declared no alcohol for a month. but damn, he is like throwing a big party and treat us with drinks and pica pica. for friendship and "libre" well, sorry, i can't say no to that. but it end up he was busted the same night. the idea was that my friend was too eager and his crush isn't ready. to make story short, my friend was frustratingly shattered. and i become, his automatic cosoler (is there such a noun for that?) and most of the time, his shrink. yeah, he has gone out of his mind and my phone is full of text msges and missed calls. and if we had a chance to talk, we talked for hours, i mean he usually do the talking, having the same story again and again and again. ugh'
my advice and suggested therapies includes watching these films:
1. walt disney's frozen (so that he would consider the notion that knowing somebody for a day and declaring he fell in love with him at the same time is: stupid)
2. 500 days of summer (men, i just love that film, such a classic! although i always see myself as Summer and not Tom but it's a good film movie who just gotten himself into the mad world of brokenhearted)
3. lastly, star cinema's one more chance (well, my friend keep on asking if he still have the chance since he messed up and he blew it big time, so i suggested this film and he might learn some lessons on how to retrieve a short lived love affair)
hopefully he could get over with it. it's stressing the hell out of me. but wait, i'm just wondering, have i also caused someone to be like him?
Wednesday, January 01, 2014
watching the 1st sunrise of the year on a shore that I've never been before. It's been raining since I got here, so I'm still lucky to catch even just a glimpse of it.
Yeah, it's my first time here in bora. Since I grew up in an island and I've been to a lot of good beaches around visayas, so bora (for me) is no big deal. But boracay is THE BORACAY. Which constantly gnawing at me every time I see it on magazines and postcards. So finally I made it here and it was an escapade I couldn't fully describe how great it has been
Lots of lovin'
As Time Goes By
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